Epic personal debate with myself.
Is it this damn weather that is killing me or is it some loss of desire? No fibbing I am up on weight and I am sure some other people are as well this winter. I always go up 10-15 lbs in the winter. This winter it is more like 25-29 lbs and it is driving me nuts to have this extra weight on me. I know how to take it off and how to get rid of it. Eating right and regular exercise just like I do every year. One problem ok two problems. I haven’t exactly been eating right and I have been a bit more lazy than normal when it comes to making food and prepping food for the week. I start back at it and then I slip away as quick as I start.
Here is the big kicker. I have had very little desire to work out. I no longer seem to get the runners high, or the good feeling after a spin class. I know workouts can be tough and sometimes they can be hard and not so fun. But that sense of accomplishment when it is over was always good enough t0 feel like I accomplished something. Right now I don’t get that feeling anymore. When I go out for a run everything seems to hurt. I can’t breath, my knee hurts, my hip feels out of place, I get shin splints and I can’t keep pace with anyone. I was already slow enough, now I can’t even keep up with other people I used to run with. And when the run is done I have feel twice as miserable as when I started.
I am sitting here now because I was going to go for a run. I just had Amie try to encourage me and I came up with every excuse under the sun. My other running partners have text me and facebooked me. Wait is facebooked even a damn word? how would I know I am an Engineer and I am still trying to learn how to properly use Than, Then, your you’re. But I can do calculus. As usual I digress onto something else. Maybe I am trying to redirect myself in the fact I feel miserable and I am crabby with myself right now. Anyways I have provided a ton of excuses to all these people and some of them were pretty honest like. Fuck no it is -20C outside who the fuck wants to run in this shit. I don’t mind running when it is cool but I certainly think -20C is not for me. While today it is like +2C and I am complaining it is cold. I mean it is mid April and this weather is stupid.
So ya you can tell me to just get back at it. Go out there and stop making excuses. But how do you get past that when you have an internal war. I don’t want to be overweight and I don’t want to carry this extra 25+ lbs. But I don’t want to work out. I keep telling myself it is the weather and once it is warm and I get out on my new bicycle everything will get better. Spring run clinic is on and I am helping with it as usual but darn it on Monday I was struggling myself and it was week 3. These people are coming to me for guidance and encouragement and I manage to keep a straight face and talk positive and provide input when inside I am screaming that I don’t want to be here and it hurts to run and I don’t have a desire to run.
I have lost my desire the min I crossed the finish line at Detroit in the Fall. I am sure it is the loss of cardio combined with what I knew I could run combined with winter and other obligations.
I hope I can find this again. I had a tiny Glimpse of it as Amie and I ran on Saturday with a tad bit of warmer weather. I hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that the desire comes back or the runners high comes again.
I have tried buying new shoes and a new bike. And yet here I sit typing a blog that is just another excuse to not run. I mean it is cold out, my stomach is not doing well with food. My new job is taxing me mentally as of late, I feel drained and depressed by it all.
Here is hoping spring is actually around the corner.