Am I compensating

Am I compensating?

I mean really when you look at the big picture you have to wonder. No I don’t mean I wear a suit and drive a Porsche, not that kind of compensating get your damn minds out of the gutter. I mean I haven’t been able to run and have had issues in my left knee. I keep getting sharp pains below the knee cap and having other issues. As a result from my ongoing left side of my body causing problems, my good right side is rewarding me with muscle pains as I felt while being massaged tonight. I am not sure if Amie enjoyed watching me in that pain or felt she was helping or if she could even see me through the tears pouring out of my eyes as she hit knot after knot in my calves. The left side first please it is what hurts and where all my issues are. Now the right side this will be easy it is my good si….. SON OF A B*&CH what just OW stop.  No keep going, no stop OMG. Really this was just a massage I swear. Turns out my right side was worse then my left. Compensation, is an amazing thing the body is capable of. So as per a previous blog. Nope I am not going to his some of those goals this year. And here is the reality of why.

As my daughter is about to turn 8 months old (WHAT) I have come to a realization that her time and the weather have held me back in working out. Or so that is how some people see it. I see it as me making a choice in what I want to do and when I can do it. In the beginning it is difficult in so many ways. The baby takes up time and you feel a responsibility to be there. You don’t want to miss anything or feel like you are depriving them of your precious time.

I know this is my only child, Trust me I had my nuts chopped. This pet has been spayed and neutered so Bob Barker eat your heart out. I finally listened to your long term message after all those years of watching wheel of fortune at gramma’s house. Any of you guys considering a vasectomy out there, go get it done, it was a piece of cake. Easy peasy (there is a frozen pea pun in there) I had no issues with my operation. (ok SHHHHH don’t tell this to the ladies but I damn near died or so I thought as a man was cutting open my…) wait too much detail sorry. Ok ok it hurt like hell for me because I don’t freeze easy but it was over in 10 mins. Back to the real story. My beautiful daughter whom when I walk in the door smiles and gets excited to see me every single day no matter how I feel or what stresses I have from my new job, life, money etc. She is just darn excited to see me every day. And the two other step kids for lack of a better term, who come running to see me, like tonight as I walk in the door and made it home in time to see them as they were leaving. Who invented a stupid alienated term step kid. Sounds awful anyways.

The reality is some friends and people have struggled with where I am at. You are a parent now your life is different they say,  you are different they say, things will never be the same they say. Is this a true statement? First who the hell are THEY? anyways. I will answer yes and no. Is my life different? HELL YES I would be fibbing if I said no. Am I different, HELL NO. I have less free time that is a for sure thing that I can not completely control that to some extent. The problem with some people is they see this life change as all encompassing and have the inability to understand you are still the same person and less free time is the only real change I have. But as a parent others enforce the feeling of everything has changed on  you from time to time. I have something for people that think like that. Deal with it. Here is my availability schedule, if you can’t make the most of that and would rather shun me for it then it is your loss not mine. Take a shrunken window and just enjoy it for what it is. Either you enjoy having my friendship or you don’t. But I am not going to be the person that jumps for everyone now. I have done it so much in the past and I love helping people but I am curious who would help me when I need it now.

My life has changed and I am blessed for my past and for my future. I have someone in my life who is very important to me. It is hard to even explain Amie and my appreciate that grows for her every day. Life has many challenges and it is filled with mountains to climb and dark days, these days are far and few between, but do exist often we take slightly overcast days and try to make them feel like tropical shit storms. But having someone by my side that is passionate, persevering, encouraging, intelligent, driven, caring, honest, sincere, a great mother, mentor, friend has been amazing experience. I don’t have enough words for her and never will. She continues to empower me and make me realize my own strengths. We have been through trying times both internal and external to our relationship and every mountain we climb, we seem to do it together and my appreciation for her grows even greater. It is not a fairytale relationship, I am not trying to paint that picture because I think that image is a flaw. I think it is darn close, but it takes work to make that happen and it takes two people willing to always work, to always improve, it takes a partner. I can honestly say I have that. I really have it and every time we take on something new I feel myself growing stronger in that appreciation and love for her. Look I could go on with the mushy stuff all day but just want to stress to people out there it is important to have a true partner. Someone who puts down their cell phone and you talk to every night, someone who turns off the TV show or their sports game or video game because that isn’t what is really important. Their partner is.  Not to say you can’t have that tv, video game sports time too.But you truly need that real connection and I think you need to re connect daily.

The more I go out for dinner with friends or people and look around at everyone on their phone the more my appreciation grows. Not long ago Amie and I went for coffee. Yes I still like to date my girlfriend and plan to the rest of my life. As we sat down and talked over coffee and people watched, which we both like to do. I saw a table of older well dressed ladies talking away. Another couple on what looked like an awkward meeting or awkward first date. And a couple of girls in their late teens early 20’s having coffee. And another couple near the back all on their phones. They were on there cell phones texting away and not even speaking to each other. A sad state if you ask me. I am guilty of being on my phone too much. But I am happy to have someone that puts their phone down for me and she is worth me putting my phone down for her.

Ok so the kids the family and making time to workout. I am trying and Amie is helping, with this being my first child, she is encouraging me to go out and do things and making sure I try to work out. I was reduced to yoga and riding because of my knee. Weather hasn’t been there for the riding much. And I have been making it to yoga 2 days a week. She starts volleyball soon and the kids are busy too with karate, gymnastics, horseback riding, soccer etc. It all takes time and we all get busy and I realize I need to have my life too in order to be a good parent but I am having a hard time doing that and not feeling guilty so far. I finally managed a run on the weekend 4km and it was good it felt good, other then I wanted to quit about 394 times because it was work and felt like work. But no sharp pains finally. This is good because running only takes 30 mins for me to get a work out in and I can do it from home. I hope to make a slow return to it and catch up to some friends who have gotten real fast. Props to my running buddy Carla for making some huge advances and Personal bests this year in the 10k and 5k. She is kicking butt.

So here is the reality. I have a daughter who fills my heart, a partner who fills my heart, two other children who accept me and fill my heart. I have some good friends who I don’t always get to see or do things with (I am going to work on this. And thank you for asking me when my next blog was) Because it is important for me to make an effort too. But it is important for people to know I am still the real me the one the only. Have I changed? Maybe. But if you know me with my Engineering background my life is built around change my childhood around change my upbringing around change. Change is a good thing. It fosters growth. Sitting around doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is really the definition of insanity. Amie read this off of post today from Kim and I have to agree.

Decide what it is you want.

Write that shit down.

Make a fucking plan.

And…..

WORK ON IT.

 

As good as my relationship is at home. I am going to keep working on it. As for relationships with friends. I am writing things down and going to work on friendships but for me to work hard for friends anymore, it is going to have to be like it is in my house because I am worth it.

Reciprocated.

 

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Am I compensating

  1. Sean

    Chris, hey it’s me… So here’s the thing. None of my kids are mine. Nope not one. They are all my step children, every single last one of them. That also means that those grandchildren that I love so dearly are all step grandchildren. Now for convenience sake, you can attach labels to them so that other people’s sensibilities are protected and that’s fine, we can argue the finite if you want but that quickly becomes the dog chasing his tail. The point here lays with you really. All commitments are commitments of the heart, they wax and wane, ebb and flow, strengthen and weaken over time. So ask yourself now, what is it that I want? Do I want to live in a world where the perceptions of others dictate my reality or do I want to dictate my reality to the world. There will always be those people who will judge you, some will be highly accurate and others couldn’t be more off if they were looking at you from another planet. The point is this, those children are what you want to make them. Their concept of you is based on what you you give them, if you give them labels they will take labels, if you give them your heart they will take your heart. For me the commitment was easy, I’m a possessive SOB and nobody is going to dictate what’s mine and what’s not mine.

    Now here’s the thing about being a parent that some people never truly get, it’s not about you. The ego of a true parent is gone, it is now all about them, the child, the family, the wife, the partner. There is no longer and I, at least not in the sense that there was before, other considerations now take precedence. Sorry forgot to give you the manual when you signed on, but somewhere I have an extra copy. The difficulty here is that single people sometimes don’t understand this, especially those that are somewhat self involved. Now please don’t mistake that for a flippant disregard of ‘Single-Dom’ being single is a tough gig, you are after all looking out for yourself quite a lot – You’re Alone for Christ Sake. But truly well rounded people understand that the thoughts, feelings and considerations of others are important, especially those who are vulnerable and cannot speak for themselves. For some reason it is easier to disregard children and write them off as brats – Probably because sometimes they are (but I digress).

    Ok so here’s the other thing, and it kind of ties in to the first thing. Family sometimes is not who you are born into. Sometimes Family has no genetic relationship to those around you. Family is who you can depend on when you need them, it can be a brother, a sister or the freaking neighbour. When you call, it will be family that show up, some will have been there forever and others will be newer arrivals but they all will give you what they can, when they can and they will, surprisingly, know the same about you. It is not about time, the abundance of it or the limitations around it, it is about the commitment. Family is a commitment of the heart, no matter what, through whatever presents itself, in spite of whatever else is happening at the time. The unfortunate thing is that people have ‘Free Will’ they make choices and sometimes those choices remove them from our families. It is not so much that we want them to go, or that we won’t miss them, it is simply that there choices take them away from us. Now that being said no one wakes up in the morning and says ‘Today I am going to Fuck over my long time friend on some bogus principle I’ve locked in my skull and am being unreasonable about.’ What happens is its a slow progression over time and we drift. The thing here is to recognize that there is impermanence in the world. Nothing last forever, all things change and grow, becoming something different, the key here is to accept the impermanence of the situation, be open to the change and the evolution that is part of life. Let others know that as you evolve and change, as we all do, you are still open to having them be a part of the ride.

    Today we are taking the bus, it is a little more crowded than my car and there are a lot more people on this ride, so it will be a little more difficult to have alone time, but at least we are still together. Here come sit by Mary, she’s nice you’ll like Mary, I’ll be over here for a minute but I get back to you shortly. Tomorrow if there is time maybe we can go for that car ride you like so much.

    Now of course some people can’t deal with change, they get stuck and I’m sad for them. I don’t know how to help them because change is inevitable as much as I hate it, it will happen. Here’s the thing and please forgive me if this sounds maudlin, however it is our connections to one another that are critical. These connections need to be true and need to have a measure of intimacy, that is they need to have reciprocal involvement, they can’t be ‘Fly by Night,’ they cannot be self contained conversations in my head – like those I have when I read a text. Sorry but texting is a solo conversation that the brain has with itself, there is no context, tone, articulation or cadence to the conversation let alone any physical thing to act upon, essentially you are talking to yourself. So these connections need to be real, they need to have value, they need to be reciprocal, and they need to be understanding – understanding that things change and evolve. You are my friend of 20 years, 5 years but you are not the person of five years ago, we have both evolved.

    It sounds to me as though some of your friends are stuck and cannot deal with the evaluation that is you. This can be frustrating and saddening but it doesn’t have to be the end. They may walk away and they are free to do so, as are we all but they will miss a grand evaluation that is you and your family.

  2. Sean

    BTW I HATE AUTOCORRECT

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